apa ya judulnya

Mmhh... it's 19.30, I've had my dinner, went to the office with the "dream" of doing some useful works, but I was so clueless of which report I should do and end up checking my email and blogging hehehe....

Ok, most of our friends already knew that we're getting married in June (God's willing). I just would like to write it down here... for me to read later on.

First of all, sometimes I still can't believe that I'm getting married after all (though a bit late to my standard..... anyway....). I grew up believing that no man would ever want me to be his wife. I was an overweight (till now hehehe, it's the efficient metabolism of my body to be blamed), unattractive, quiet and shy person with very low self-esteem. And people kept telling me (either directly or indirectly) that if I stayed that way, no one would want to marry me. I had crushes on some boys during my school year (only one at a time lho hehehe) but I was so shy and I thought they would not like me (which is most probably true).

There... till I was in the university, I didnt know how to dress (actually till now, I dont possess any good sense of fashion, but back then it was a lot more awful) till I met my friends, a gang of five girls who, though not so different from other girls, certainly have better sense of fashion than I do, and they encouraged me to dress up a bit. But back then I dont have enough money to spend on clothes, though I did work as private teacher and teaching assistant at the university. Still no boyfriend.

Everytime I travelled back to my hometown (from the city where I studied, it was a 6-8 hours trip) I spent my time dreaming that I would try and find an American or European husband, cos I think they care less about physical appearance than Asian or, specifically, Indonesian men and the Caucasians are more romantic, it seemed to me. And my children would be so beautiful that they might have chance to be movie stars hahahaha.

Then before I graduated from the university... a man approached me, but I was so clumsy and didnt know what to do and did so many mistakes. When he brought me to his sister's birthday dinner and introduced me to her, I ordered a very expensive fish (cos I didnt know hehehe). And when he called me, he was so shy and so was I, that we ended up having nothing to say, and they were long distance calls, so I told him to call me less and save a bit. Finally he disappeared from my life.

Then came a second man, he has already introduced me to his whole family and he was in my graduation picture, cos my mom liked him so much (ouch, I shouldnt have allowed that). But it was not serious and I didnt know what love was.

Then came another man, but we were not meant to be.

Then I went to Europe and work, and got to know some Caucasians... then I realised that I want someone else, someone with my own culture and values.

Then it was a one year vacuum, till my *kangmas* came into the picture. It was really a blessing that our paths crossed again. I had never thought or expected it. Only then I know what love is or, at least, I think I know. Anyway, it is true that the waiting time can be so long, but when the right person come along, everything will be OK. - morale of the story: if you havent found your other-half, dont be discouraged -

All along, I also used my "single" time trying to read and be a better person for my future partner. I did not know anything about men, so I kept reading and reading. I tried to learn what it takes for a relationship to work. Though there is no such thing as a general truth for relationships (it's really a case to case basis) and I still dont know much about relationships, but I think my efforts helped me.

OK, that's in the past.... not a happy memory, but maybe that's the process which takes me to where I am now.

Now..... about my preparation for the wedding....

what do you do

what do you do on such day like this?
everything seems so awful
and i'm feeling like punching someone
(who should it be?)

no specific cause

all's pink and roses between me and him

just got a new project announced last friday
(so it means i have something to go back to in Jan next year)

got my chance of shopping spree yesterday
bought some interesting books :wink:
and small gift for him :wink:
being gluttonous with KFC and Baskin Robbins chocolate fudge

but i still feel like kicking someone hehehe

duh!