L'amour de ma vie

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How can I not love you – Joy Enriquez

Who is he - who must not be named :P - who has made me head over heel falling in love with for the last (almost) 2 years?

I always call him my 'kangmas' especially when I'm in a good mood :P

So... let me tell you about us...

First time I met him, I think was in January 2000 when I came to this campus for study. I'm not sure about the date... I was so shy coz I think he's so *ehm ehm*... I was not in a relationship at that time, just broken up with my ex..... but I could never have expected to start 'something special' with him....

first of all, I -with all my lack of confidence- could not manage to talk to him for more than 2 sentences in the one year I know him during my study...

second of all, I was sure that he already had a girlfriend back home, though none of my Indo friends knew the real truth at that time... and once I overheard when he called someone at the public phone... I was there behind him queueing.... he talked so sweetly... so I guessed that he was calling his girlfriend.... * kangmas, did I ever tell you about this? sorry if I did not *

So... he graduated before I did coz he also enrolled before I, and then he went home to find a job in Indonesia.... but the strange thing is we met at the Changi airport, though we did not know that the other was flying on that day... can you imagine... such a big airport and we just met there! but after that there was no communication between us.

but then... when I was in Europe for training... he sent me e-mails informing that he got a job in this campus... the very same old campus where we met... so I informed my friends who were still in this campus.. informing that he was coming back... so they teased me.... they asked me, why would he sent emails to me and not to the others.... so they said he liked me... but I didn't believe them.....

to be continued.....

What I want in live

- I'm drafting a post about my kangmas and me, but not quite ready yet :P -

For my bachelor study I lived in a city which is 6 - 8 hours away from my home town. I took public van going home and back to that city (though I did not go home often then). I have lots of time to daydream and imagine what kind of life I want for myself in the next 10 years - other times when I sat next to a lady of my mother's age, usually they will happily chat with me and treated me when we stopped for meal hehehe but then I did not have time to daydream - During the daydreams, I even picked names for my children already.... hehehe....

What I want is just simple (or is it really?). I just want a happy & loving family, quite unlike what I had to go through in my earlier phases of life. I believe I can.... though sometimes I also have my doubt.... coz some people say that when you have a family of your own, you will just repeat the same pattern as your parents.... I hope not... I really hope that I will not.....

I want to be a loving wife and best friend to my husband, who can understand, love and support him throughout our lifetime together - hiks... I've failed several times here already, often times I could not be an understanding gf to my kangmas, it's so hard..... -

I want to be a loving mother and best friend to my children (two at least :P, the first one will be a boy then the second will be a girl hehehe), with whom they can talk when they are facing problems in life, to whom they will never be afraid. A mother who can make them feel secure and make them understand that I'll always be there for them. I'll be working, but it will not take most of my time, career is of second importance to me......

That time I also dreamed that my husband will be a loving husband to me (treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen.... an elder friend once told me... I think it's quite true), a husband who will always be there for me when I need him - sometimes I think I'm quite a needy person :P - And he will also be a loving father who will play with the kids when they are small, one who can guide them with his wisdom and teach them lessons of life.

I just want to have a small house painted in beige or other pastel colors.... lively colors for the kid's rooms and kitchen.... simple and minimally furnished... no useless kitchen utensils or other things around... For earlier years, 2 bedrooms will do..... For later years, I dream to have a house with 4 bedrooms (1 master, 2 kids' and 1 guest's) and at least 2 bathrooms (with bath tub and jacuzzi hehehe, c'mon, I can dream what I want, can't I?) and 2 separate toilets.

ah.... that's my dream...

air - agua - aqua - wasser - water - vesi

Dooo.... masih nyambung cerita kemaren yg aku di tes and was suggested to lose 12 kgs, he also told me that my body is lacking water. I didn't know that I still need to drink more water. I thought I had taken enough water in.

Just want to inform you all... especially ladies.... The first time I had a urinary tract infection (UTI) was in Oct 2001 when I was in Finland, maybe because when travelling I drank less and often times I had to hold when I wanted to go to the restroom. The doctor told me that it will re-occur from time to time and that 70% of all women have it. So I was given medicine and the pain disappear (I had felt pain in my stomach when I was walking and also it hurt when peeing *sorry*).

Then for long time I was OK, now that I'm working and travels a lot, again often times I drink less and have to hold when I need to go to the toilet. So it occured again... maybe 1 year ago... I forgot.... so after that he (wait till the next post :D) always reminds me to drink a lot... so I do....
in the morning I took at least 0.5 liter of water and also throughout the day.... but still it's not enough according to the test.

So starting from that day, I drink 0.5 liter in the morning, another 1 liter before lunch and another 1 liter in the evening. I notice some changes in me... now I easily perspire (I didn't perspire much before even when it's hot) and I feel thirsty so often and each time I have to drink 0.5 liter... hehehe but I guess it's good for me....
Oh one more thing, I was told also that now there are many people ill because they drink less and they eat less fruit and vegetables... their blood becomes thick.. because when our body is lacking of water, it will take the water from the blood.... it's not a hoax... it's real....

so... I'd like to encourage you all to drink alot.... cos it will do us good ...

Two hearts - one heartbeat - literally ;P

Yesterday both of us were being examined at the fitness club that we just joined mid of this month. A bit expensive, but it worths the money. Yesterday was our 2nd time.

It was amusing (at least to me).... we have exactly the same count of heartbeat when resting :P ... some other measurements are the same -or almost- but not so amusing to me :D coz my measurement should have been smaller than his :(

Anyway... good to know that both of us have good health.... though... the trainer suggested that I should lose 12 kgs of weight..... uaaaaaaaa :(( hiks... hiks.... but no.. no... I think it's too much for me... maybe just 5 - 8 kgs is enough.....

Money money money money money

Money can change people... can it?
Or is it just our true selves that shows when we're facing the temptation of money?

Business is business, money is money,
friend or no friend, brother or no brother
they are different things
and are mutually exclusives

Hmmm... I'm confused about myself... when it comes to money... sometimes I think I hold it too tight -I use 'modesty' as my excuse-... hehehe but other times I can spend it so carelessly -which I might regret later-....

Now I think I'm a bit obsessed to earn money hehehe.... is it my maternal instinct? -no, I'm not pregnant, thank you :D just read from the book that women have the instinct to prepare the nest for their children-? or is it just the real 'money-eyed' me? :D

I just realised this recently... or is it the fear of not getting any job soon enough after my contract here end?

Aug 18, 2004

Youngsters nowadays

Just did some blog walking.... *wow*... some blogs are really *wow*.... though the owners are just 21 - 22 y.o....... I could never have written something like that when I was at their age.... Not even now... maybe not ever....

Yesterday my friend told me about the 12 y.o. daughter of my boss. She is so good in writing and she has a plan to write a book about great people in her country of origin. Now she's there in the country, about to interview an ex-president. The interview will be broadcasted by a tv channel too. The book will be titled 'Mrs. ABC in the eye of a 12 year old'

That's really *wow*


Why can't you understand me? why can't I understand you?

Just observing from my experience... often times we really cannot understand why other people are doing what they are doing.... why they react the way they do in a certain situation.....

It seems so absurd to us.... sometimes so irrational.... but what to do about it? they are what they are... and we are what we are....

We have just to accept that....... we don't have any right to change them or even just to expect them to change... take it or leave it as I would say......

Cantik

Kaya'nya udah basi ya... tapi anyway I want to write it down... if not for anyone, at least I do it for myself... so that I can read it over and over again when I need it :D I have a chronic lacking of self confidence, now I'm better than I was in my earlier phases of life, but it still occurs every now and then.....

Every woman wants to be beautiful... the producers of cosmetics, the owners of slimming and beauty clinics, the fashion designers want women to want to be beautiful....

Definition of beauty

My conclusion on what is called a beautiful woman by today's society in general
1. if you have a barbie-like body
2. if you have fair or white complexion with no flaws
3. if you have long, black or beautifully dyed, flowing hair

Well if you are lacking one - or all the above, like I am -... it might be comforting to read what I got from an email down below.... and to know that some people also define confidence, intellectual, cheerful disposition, or kindness as beauty.... there are things we can change and there are things we cannot change.... here's my favorite

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

short version of The Serenity Prayer - Reinhold Neibuhr-1926

Though there are different ways of defining beauty too, but it's not the mainstream. Like in the previous century, the more plump a woman is, the more beautiful - gosh, I wish I had lived in that era, hehehe -. Or in the Northern part of Thailand, I heard that the longer the neck is the more beautiful (the Long neck Padaung tribe in Mae Hong Sorn)....

Facts on Figures

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only eight who do (christine's comment: sometimes I take a look on my surrounding and count how many women really look like supermodels, not so many, really)

If Barbie was a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

The average woman weighs 144 lbs. (christine's comment: it means 72 kg, I think this was not measured from Asian women) and wears between size 12-14.

One out of every four college-aged women has an eating disorder.

The models in the magazines are airbrushed -- not perfect!

A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.

Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.

Love and hatred

People say "antara cinta dan benci batasnya cuma setipis sehelai rambut".

Mostly it is said when someone hates another person of the opposite sex. For some cases it's true. I know couples who really hated each other when they first met. But then gradually (= it takes time) they become attached to each other. Opposite attracts? So hatred can turn into love but it takes time.

Does it go also for the reverse? If we love someone, can it also turn into hatred? I'd say yes...

I saw some examples already... couples who hate each other .... sometimes I wonder (and get frightened afterwards) did they never love each other at all? I'm sure they did love each other... otherwise they would not have gotten married at the first place...

It also happens between parents-children or relatives by blood or best friends....

Does it always take a traumatic hurt to turn love into hatred? Extremely harsh words said in a fight?

Or can it happen because of small small heartaches that accumulate throughout the relationship?

How can we hinder it?

Can we really forgive and forget?

What is it exactly that we mean by forgive and forget?

- sorry, I can only ask questions, coz I really don't know the answer -

My evil twin

Bener ga sih bahwa setiap manusia punya dark side....

Dr. Jekyll dan Mr. Hyde

Di cerita ini Mr. Hyde nya lebih kecil (badannya) dan lebih muda dari Dr. Jekyll karena si Dr. Jekyll itu orang baik sehingga sisi jahatnya itu cuma sedikit (jarang muncul). Kebanyakan orang kaya nya juga gitu ya?

Window.... (lupa deh namanya window apaan :P, sorry terpaksa dikasih --- otherwise berantakan tabel nya)

------aku tidak tahu------!---- aku tidak tahu
3-- orang lain tahu------- !---- orang lain tidak tahu---- 4
_______________________________________
------aku tahu------------ !----- aku tahu
1---- orang lain tahu----- !---orang lain tidak tahu------ 2

Tiap dari kita punya sisi ini... ada sifat2 yg orang lain bisa lihat jelas pada diri kita (window 1) dan kita sadar bahwa kita punya sifat itu (window 1), sedang kalo window 4 itu hanya Tuhan yg tahu....

Aku sering merasa aku ini jahat... tapi ini kayanya masuk window 2 hehehe karena I have evil thoughts .... only thoughts... so kebanyakan only I know.... tapi ada juga yg efeknya bisa dirasakan orang2 tertentu....

I feel so bad about those thoughts... but I cannot help it....

Kenapa jahat

kenapa sih aku (atau manusia pada umumnya) merasa jahat? menurut aku, itu karena

kita udah tahu apa yg baik dan benar... (kalo mau diskusi ttg baik dan benar, please follow the link ke blog nya Bapak Enda ini)
tetapi
kita tidak bisa memenuhi apa yg baik dan benar menurut kita atau memikirkan atau melakukan sesuatu yg kita tahu tidak termasuk kategori baik dan benar... misalnya nih....

aku tahu teman yg baik itu akan melakukan A, B, C, D ... IS, IT, IU, IV (emangnya MSExcel? hehehe).... nah pada saat dimana aku dituntut melakukan A tapi aku tidak melakukan, aku akan merasa aku bukan teman yg baik.... ekstreme nya aku akan merasa aku ini teman yg jahat.... atau misalnya aku melakukan ZZ dimana itu tidak bisa dimasukkan dalam kategori perilaku teman yg baik.....

atau misalnya aku lagi sebel ama satu teman trus aku berpikir 'duuuh nyebelin banget sih dia, pengen aku cekik aja nih orang' *waaakss, jahat sekali ya, hehehe*

Menerima dan memaafkan diri sendiri

kalo kita udah tahu bahwa kita gak baik... and feel bad about it (spt yg aku rasa for the last 3 years) but the evil thoughts stay and won't go away..... what to do about it? kesadaran bahwa aku jahat itu sebenernya menggerogoti pikiranku....

salah satu buku yg aku baca menyarankan agar kita bisa menerima dan memaafkan diri sendiri.. tapi.... ga mudah lah ya.... - mana ya yg lebih mudah, menerima dan memaafkan diri sendiri atau orang lain? -

menerima diri sendiri
maksudnya, kita mengakui bahwa kita adalah manusia dan bisa punya pikiran jahat itu, kita menerima pikiran jahat itu sebagai bagian dari diri kita, sama spt tangan kita atau kuping kita...

memaafkan diri sendiri
kalo Tuhan sendiri mau dan sudah memaafkan kita, maka kita harus bisa memaafkan diri sendiri...

Teori!

aduh teori sih gampang... mungkin kalo pikiran buruk itu sudah tidak ada dalam diri kita... bisa kali ya kita menerima dan memaafkan diri sendiri... tapi kalo perbuatan / pikiran yg jahat itu tidak bisa kita hentikan (terus menerus kita pikirkan/ lakukan), gimana dong?

-tenang, ini bukan pikiran mau mencekik orang spt contoh di atas kok, hehehehe-

Psst, tapi parah mana ya? dari pengamatanku, ada lho orang yg justru ga pernah sadar kalo perbuatannya jelek / jahat... dia berpikir dia itu paling benar sedangkan orang lain semua salah dan jahat.... hmmm... yah manusia... kalo semua manusia sama, ga seru kali ya *duh cliche banget :D*

Just tell me you love me

just tell me you love me
whisper words i so long to hear
let this time not be borrowed
let it be ours to share
if you tell me you love me
it will lead the way to your heart
through the mereness of silence
you love me
- England Dan & John Ford Coley - Just Tell Me You Love Me -


Just tell me you love me.... Can the word 'just' really be justified to be there in the line?

First of all... for some people saying "I love you" is not that easy. For some it is like pulling a tooth... yet for others, it maybe like pulling five teeth hehehe....

Second of all.... saying"I love you" creates expectation.... "If you really love me, then you will do this this and this" or "If you really love me, then you will never do that that and that" But anyway when we are in love, then we will do anything we can for the other person happily...

See.. saying "I love you" is not only a 'just'... but I'll keep on saying it :wink:

Insecurities

The most cruel thing that you can do to the people who love you is to make them feel insecure, i.e.: that you can and you are willing to leave them at any time at all, e.g.:

* threatening them that you are thinking of committing suicide
* telling your children that you are thinking of leaving and abandoning your family because you cannot stand their father anymore
* threatening your spouse that you are thinking of breaking up or getting a divorce everytime when there is a conflict between you
* continuously telling your loved ones that you think you are dying when actually you are not (similar to it is to continuously manage to get yourself hurt/ to get yourself an accident when you can actually avoid it)

I think... if I really love someone... I will try to make them feel secure... that I will always be there for them (at least as long as I'm alive and I won't do anything to end it on purpose)....

If you feel that they don't love you anymore, it's not a correct way to make win their heart back... At least it won't work for me... when I feel insecure about someone.... I won't be able to love him/ her at all.... because of the risk of losing him/ her... When you love something so much and you lose it, you'll be breaking to pieces.....

So... I hope I will never do this to my loved ones...... I hope you won't either....

I know what's best for you

Does it sound familiar? someone told you his/ her situation and then you told him/ her what to do. And (s)he just ignore your advice and just continue doing whatever they were doing. And you feel like screaming "hey, don't you know that it's not good for you? you are completely wrong, I know what's best for you"

-sigh-..... but I think that's what happen often times. Even when you are giving solicited advice, people often just continue doing what they think to be right. Only when you are thought to be really credible, or when you have power over the person you give your advice to (parents-children, boss-staff, doctor-patient, etc.) then you can force them to accept your opinion/ your way.

-sigh-.... of course YOU think that YOUR opinion/ solution is the best, because it is resulted from your way of thinking and your experiences throughout your life... but that goes for the other person too....

-sigh-.... at times like that I just gave up.... and let them have their own way... and just try to forget.... It's difficult to do that when I see that they are really heading to the wrong direction or that they endanger their own life.... but what else can I do?

Sex and the City

Watching the season 4 episodes of the HBO original series Sex and the City has got me thinking....

Episode 60 "Just Say Yes"

At first, I couldn't understand why Carrie had to make such a big fuss about living together with her boyfriend, Aidan. After all, they have done all there is to be done. But then in the later episode, I got it. It's about the loss of privacy

* cannot do things you used to do when you live alone - things that others might think to be weird if they see you doing it, ummm now I'm trying to make my list :P -,
* having to consider the other person's preferences on how you manage the house
* having to tolerate the other person's bad habit -for my husband to be it will certainly be my untidiness, among others :P -
* having to share space, accepting the other person's pet or plant, or his/her treasures that you might feel like throwing away when (s)he is not looking :D

They made the fight for space n privacy here looked pretty scary, but I guess it does not have to be that way... well my married friends, wanna say a word about this? ;P


Episode 63 "Change of a Dress"

Whenever I saw my aunt Bettie in a wedding, she would always ask me "When will you have yours?". God, it was so annoying because I didn't have anyone to get married with. So once when I met her in a funeral, I asked her back "When will you have yours?".
- a joke, not my own story, mind you :D-

In the earlier episodes, Miranda talked about the pressure she experienced from her family about her having no boyfriend and Carrie was afraid of being a 35 and had no special man in her life (episode 49"The Agony and the 'Ex'-tasy"). And they despised being in the married people's world and being told "don't worry, you will find the right one for you"
-tell me about it :P-

The first time I had a boyfriend was after I finished my bachelor study, before that I had always been questioned by my relatives when I would get one. I was a shy girl and not really a drop-dead-gorgeus type and lacked of self confidence as I wrote before, I thought I would never have one. The relationship only lasted for 3 months, it was not a serious one.

Then only after a vacuum of 3 years did I find the man I love... it's been almost 2 years now... The 3 years vacuum was also filled with the tormenting question :D Everytime people -especially my mom- asked me I felt so annoyed and irritated.

When my mom told me to find myself a boyfriend at my Master's degree graduation, my reaction was 'Hey, I've accomplished this much, but still it seemed not good enough if I don't have any boyfriend." Do u think I was overreacting? Maybe it was also because of my fear of never finding any.

And now that I have my kangmas, the tormenting question have changed "When will you guys get married?". I guess after I get married, people will ask "When will you have a baby?". Hehehe, but come to think of it, I myself cannot help asking the same questions to my friends, just an act of courtesy or because I'm really excited to see them getting married or having a baby ... I hope you won't feel offended if ever I ask you such question :P so I should have known that people didn't mean to prey when they asked me those questions, but still I feel uneasy about it. Another similar case is when you don't have jobs -maybe you're just graduated from your study- and people ask you "have you got a job?".

Though I found it a bit strange for such successful and independent ladies in such country as the USA, to feel the same pressure as what I experienced. I thought it was only in Asian countries that girls are expected to be married as soon as possible :P If you are living in Europe or America, would you mind giving your comment?

Starting from the episode 60 Carrie talked about her being freaked out with the idea of getting married (and the finale is in episode 63, I don't wanna be a killjoy, so I won't talk about this). I still can't understand about this. What's the big deal for her, afterall she and her boyfriend have lived together and it's seems so easy to just get a divorce there if things don't go well. Anyone can enlighten me on this?

Could it be the same question as Ria discussed? -> is (s)he the "right" one? Could it be the fear of separation in case things really don't go well? Could it be the fear that after getting married, their love will cease to be like in many other marriages?

Hmm... that's all I can think of now.... gotta go now... wanna see the rest of the episodes... Ciao! :D

I know Who holds tomorrow

Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
and I know Who holds my hand.

- I know Who holds tomorrow - gospel - LeAnn Rimes -

This morning the Graduation Ceremony was held. I went there to meet the happy graduants with their loved ones who have travelled a long way to share the happiness. Then at midday, the Indonesian community has a celebration lunch together with our Education Attache. The food was great, the ladies in our community are all great cooks -except me hehehe-. Then I went to see the OTOP (One Tamboon One Product) exhibition. I went alone coz my kangmas was having a seminar. He's so busy these last 2 weeks and also next week, but it's OK, we still have our good times together. Ouch I ended up buying so many food stuffs (as always hehehe):

1. honey -ok, it's healthy n we don't have to finish it soon-,
2. miang kham -a unique Thai delicacy: wild tea or betel leaves served with tidbits of dried shrimp, tiny pieces of chilli, ginger and garlic, toasted shredded coconut, slices of unpeeled lemon, and topped with sweet and savory sauce
3. steamed sweet made of young coconut meat, coconut milk and rice fluor
4. fried pork on sugar cane
5. corn milk
6. sala pao / bak pao

I was thinking of what these graduants with happy faces will do next.... some already got jobs, others are still trying to find one.

Yeah... this graduation ceremony reminds me of my own, which was held on Aug 17, 2001. Gosh it was 3 years ago. I was happy cos I got the award (which I have not expected, it's a long story) and I was selected to go to Europe for a three-months training programme. I was excited coz it was the first time I went to Europe. I did not really think of finding a job before the graduation because of this. And I was so busy before the graduation. Coz I had to make up for my lateness in doing research and I finished all the correction only on the day before the graduation. It was so hectic, coz I had to prepare for the Europe trip too: visa, insurance, warm clothes (the place was very near to the arctic line, me! the heat-loving me! the strange thing is after that trip I got cold so easily. Psst, kangmas, that's why I need warmth all the time hehehe ;P). OK, enough wandering off my points.

Then I applied for jobs during my stay in Europe, thinking that my chance to get a job there is bigger if I apply from a Europe country. But I found out that it is not that easy. Paper business was slowing down due to the new mills built up in Asia, lower production cost with similar or better quality. Unemployment is high too in Europe. So... no interview calls were received. But when I got back to my campus for a short while to attend the wedding party of a friend (who later became my work-mate, it was a pleasant surprise!) I got information on one available position, which is my current job. I love this job... though sometimes it's quite tough and stressful, I have to travel a lot and long working hours.

Now... now... in December my contract will end, and my kangmas' before that. So we are now hunting for new jobs.... Oh... I hate times like this. Uncertainties are everywhere... but what can we do? Everybody has moments like this in their life.....

Yeah.... as long as we have faith... that He has a beautiful plan for us.... then we'll be strong....

Bola untuk anak

Dari Suara Merdeka

Inikah nasib? Terlahir sebagai menantu bukan pilihan. Tapi aku dan Kania harus tetap menikah. Itu sebabnya kami ada di Kantor Catatan Sipil. Wali kami pun wali hakim. Dalam tiga puluh menit, prosesi pernikahan kami selesai. Tanpa sungkem dan tabur melati atau hidangan istimewa dan salam sejahtera dari kerabat. Tapi aku masih sangat bersyukur karena Lukman dan Naila mau hadir menjadi saksi. Umurku sudah menginjak seperempat abad dan Kania di bawahku. Cita-cita kami sederhana, ingin hidup bahagia. Itu 25 tahun yang lalu.

22 tahun yang lalu,
Pekerjaanku tidak begitu elite, tapi cukup untuk biaya makan keluargaku. Ya, keluargaku. Karena sekarang aku sudah punya momongan. Seorang putri, kunamai ia Kamila. Aku berharap ia bisa menjadi perempuan sempurna, maksudku kaya akan budi baik hingga dia tampak sempurna. Kulitnya masih merah, mungkin karena ia baru berumur seminggu. Sayang, dia tak dijenguk kakek-neneknya dan aku merasa prihatin. Aku harus bisa terima nasib kembali, orangtuaku dan orangtua Kania tak mau menerima kami. Ya sudahlah. Aku tak berhak untuk memaksa dan aku tidak membenci mereka. Aku hanya yakin, suatu saat nanti, mereka pasti akan berubah.

19 tahun yang lalu,
Kamilaku gesit dan lincah. Dia sekarang sedang senang berlari-lari, melompat-lompat atau meloncat dari meja ke kursi lalu dari kursi ke lantai kemudian berteriak "Horeee, Iya bisa terbang". Begitulah dia memanggil namanya sendiri, Iya. Kembang senyumnya selalu merekah seperti mawar di pot halaman rumah. Dan Kania tak jarang berteriak, "Iya sayaaang," jika sudah terdengar suara "Prang". Itu artinya, ada yang pecah, bisa vas bunga, gelas, piring, atau meja kaca. Terakhir cermin rias ibunya yang pecah. Waktu dia melompat dari tempat tidur ke lantai, boneka kayu yang dipegangnya terpental. Dan dia cuma bilang "Kenapa semua kaca di rumah ini selalu pecah, Ma?"

18 tahun yang lalu,
Hari ini Kamila ulang tahun. Aku sengaja pulang lebih awal dari pekerjaanku agar bisa membeli hadiah dulu. Kemarin lalu dia merengek minta dibelikan bola. Kania tak membelikannya karena tak mau anaknya jadi tomboy apalagi jadi pemain bola seperti yang sering diucapkannya.
"Nanti kalau sudah besar, Iya mau jadi pemain bola!" tapi aku tidak suka dia menangis terus minta bola, makanya kubelikan ia sebuah bola. Paling tidak aku bisa punya lawan main setiap sabtu sore. Dan seperti yang sudah kuduga, dia bersorak kegirangan waktu kutunjukkan bola itu. "Horee, Iya jadi pemain bola."

17 Tahun yang lalu
Iya, Iya. Bapak kan sudah bilang jangan main bola di jalan. Mainnya di rumah aja. Coba kalau ia nurut, Bapak kan tidak akan seperti ini. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana Kania bisa tidak tahu Iya menyembunyikan bola di tas sekolahnya. Yang aku tahu, hari itu hari Sabtu dan aku akan menjemputnyanya dari sekolah. Kulihat anakku sedang asyik menendang bola sepanjang jalan pulang dari sekolah dan ia semakin ketengah jalan. Aku berlari menghampirinya, rasa khawatirku mengalahkan kehati-hatianku dan "Iyaaaa..." Sebuah truk pasir telak menghantam tubuhku, lindasan ban besarnya berhenti di atas dua kakiku. Waktu aku sadar, dua kakiku sudah diamputasi. Ya Tuhan, bagaimana ini. Bayang-bayang kelam menyelimuti pikiranku, tanpa kaki, bagaimana aku bekerja sementara pekerjaanku mengantar barang dari perusahaan ke rumah konsumen. Kulihat Kania menangis sedih, bibir cuma berkata "Coba kalau kamu tak belikan ia bola!"

15 tahun yang lalu,
Perekonomianku morat marit setelah kecelakaan. Uang pesangon habis untuk ke rumah sakit dan uang tabungan menguap jadi asap dapur. Kania mulai banyak mengeluh dan Iya mulai banyak dibentak. Aku hanya bisa membelainya. Dan bilang kalau Mamanya sedang sakit kepala makanya cepat marah. Perabotan rumah yang bisa dijual sudah habis. Dan aku tak bisa berkata apa-apa waktu Kania hendak mencari ke luar negeri. Dia ingin penghasilan yang lebih besar untuk mencukupi kebutuhan Kamila. Diizinkan atau tidak diizinkan dia akan tetap pergi. Begitu katanya. Dan akhirnya dia memang pergi ke Malaysia.

13 tahun yang lalu,
Setahun sejak kepergian Kania, keuangan rumahku sedikit membaik tapi itu hanya setahun. Setelah itu tak terdengar kabar lagi. Aku harus mempersiapkan uang untuk Kamila masuk SMP. Anakku memang pintar dia loncat satu tahun di SD-nya. Dengan segala keprihatinan kupaksakan agar Kamila bisa melanjutkan sekolah. Aku bekerja serabutan, mengerjakan pekerjaan yang bisa kukerjakan dengan dua tanganku. Aku miris, menghadapi kenyataan. Menyaksikan anakku yang tumbuh remaja dan aku tahu dia ingin menikmati dunianya. Tapi keadaanku mengurungnya dalam segala kekurangan. Tapi aku harus kuat. Aku harus tabah untuk mengajari Kamila hidup tegar.

10 tahun yang lalu,
Aku sedih, semua tetangga sering mengejek kecacatanku. Dan Kamila hanya sanggup berlari ke dalam rumah lalu sembunyi di dalam kamar. Dia sering jadi bulan-bulanan hinaan teman sebayanya. Anakku cantik, seperti ibunya. "Biar cantik kalo kere ya ke laut aje." Mungkin itu kata-kata yang sering kudengar. Tapi anakku memang sabar dia tidak marah walau tak urung menangis juga.
"Sabar ya, Nak!" hiburku.
"Pak, Iya pake jilbab aja ya, biar tidak diganggu!" pintanya padaku. Dan aku menangis. Anakku maafkan bapakmu, hanya itu suara yang sanggup kupendam dalam hatiku. Sejak hari itu, anakku tak pernah lepas dari kerudungnya. Dan aku bahagia. Anakku, ternyata kamu sudah semakin dewasa. Dia selalu tersenyum padaku. Dia tidak pernah menunjukkan kekecewaannya padaku karena sekolahnya hanya terlambat di bangku SMP.

7 tahun yang lalu,
Aku merenung seharian. Ingatanku tentang Kania, istriku, kembali menemui pikiranku. Sudah bertahun-tahun tak kudengar kabarnya. Aku tak mungkin bohong pada diriku sendiri, jika aku masih menyimpan rindu untuknya. Dan itu pula yang membuat aku takut. Semalam Kamila bilang dia ingin menjadi TKI ke Malaysia. Sulit baginya mencari pekerjaan di sini yang cuma lulusan SMP. Haruskah aku melepasnya karena alasan ekonomi. Dia bilang aku sudah tua, tenagaku mulai habis dan dia ingin agar aku beristirahat. Dia berjanji akan rajin mengirimi aku uang dan menabung untuk modal. Setelah itu dia akan pulang, menemaniku kembali dan membuka usaha kecil-kecilan. Seperti waktu lalu, kali ini pun aku tak kuasa untuk menghalanginya. Aku hanya berdoa agar Kamilaku baik-baik saja.

4 tahun lalu,
Kamila tak pernah telat mengirimi aku uang. Hampir tiga tahun dia di sana. Dia bekerja sebagai seorang pelayan di rumah seorang nyonya. Tapi Kamila tidak suka dengan laki-laki yang disebutnya datuk. Matanya tak pernah siratkan sinar baik. Dia juga dikenal suka perempuan. Dan nyonya itu adalah istri mudanya yang keempat. Dia bilang dia sudah ingin pulang. Karena akhir-akhir ini dia sering diganggu.
Lebaran tahun ini dia akan berhenti bekerja. Itu yang kubaca dari suratnya. Aku senang mengetahui itu dan selalu menunggu hingga masa itu tiba. Kamila bilang, aku jangan pernah lupa salat dan kalau kondisiku sedang baik usahakan untuk salat tahajjud. Tak perlu memaksakan untuk puasa sunnah yang pasti setiap bulan Ramadhan aku harus berusaha sebisa mungkin untuk kuat hingga beduk manghrib berbunyi. Kini anakku lebih pandai menasihati daripada aku. Dan aku bangga.

3 tahun 6 bulan yang lalu,
Inikah badai? Aku mendapat surat dari kepolisian pemerintahan Malaysia, kabarnya anakku ditahan. Dan dia diancam hukuman mati, karena dia terbukti membunuh suami majikannya. Sesak dadaku mendapat kabar ini. Aku menangis, aku tak percaya. Kamilaku yang lemah lembut tak mungkin membunuh. Lagipula kenapa dia harus membunuh. Aku meminta bantuan hukum dari Indonesia untuk menyelamatkan anakku dari maut. Hampir setahun aku gelisah menunggu kasus anakku selesai. Tenaga tuaku terkuras dan airmataku habis. Aku hanya bisa memohon agar anakku tidak dihukum mati andai dia memang bersalah.

2 tahun 6 bulan yang lalu,
Akhirnya putusan itu jatuh juga, anakku terbukti bersalah. Dan dia harus menjalani hukuman gantung sebagai balasannya. Aku tidak bisa apa-apa selain menangis sejadinya. Andai aku tak izinkan dia pergi apakah nasibnya tak akan seburuk ini? Andai aku tak belikan ia bola apakah keadaanku pasti lebih baik? Aku kini benar-benar sendiri. Wahai Allah kuatkan aku.
Atas permintaan anakku aku dijemput terbang ke Malaysia. Anakku ingin aku ada di sisinya di saat terakhirnya. Lihatlah, dia kurus sekali. Dua matanya sembab dan bengkak. Ingin rasanya aku berlari tapi apa daya kakiku tak ada. Aku masuk ke dalam ruangan pertemuan itu, dia berhambur ke arahku, memelukku erat, seakan tak ingin melepaskan aku.
"Bapak, Iya Takut!" aku memeluknya lebih erat lagi. Andai bisa ditukar, aku ingin menggantikannya.
"Kenapa, Ya, kenapa kamu membunuhnya sayang?"
"Lelaki tua itu ingin Iya tidur dengannya, Pak. Iya tidak mau. Iya dipukulnya. Iya takut, Iya dorong dan dia jatuh dari jendela kamar. Dan dia mati. Iya tidak salah kan, Pak!"
Aku perih mendengar itu. Aku iba dengan nasib anakku. Masa mudanya hilang begitu saja. Tapi aku bisa apa, istri keempat lelaki tua itu menuntut agar anakku dihukum mati. Dia kaya dan lelaki itu juga orang terhormat. Aku sudah berusaha untuk memohon keringanan bagi anakku, tapi menemuiku pun ia tidak mau. Sia-sia aku tinggal di Malaysia selama enam bulan untuk memohon hukuman pada wanita itu.

2 tahun yang lalu,
Hari ini, anakku akan dihukum gantung. Dan wanita itu akan hadir melihatnya. Aku mendengar dari petugas jika dia sudah datang dan ada di belakangku. Tapi aku tak ingin melihatnya. Aku melihat isyarat tangan dari hakim di sana. Petugas itu membuka papan yang diinjak anakku. Dan 'blass" Kamilaku kini tergantung. Aku tak bisa lagi menangis. Setelah yakin sudah mati, jenazah anakku diturunkan mereka, aku mendengar langkah kaki menuju jenazah anakku. Dia menyibak kain penutupnya dan tersenyum sinis. Aku mendongakkan kepalaku, dan dengan mataku yang samar oleh air mata aku melihat garis wajah yang kukenal.
"Kania?"
"Mas Har, kau . !"
"Kau ... kau bunuh anakmu sendiri, Kania!"
"Iya? Dia..dia . Iya?" serunya getir menunjuk jenazah anakku.
"Ya, dia Iya kita. Iya yang ingin jadi pemain bola jika sudah besar."
"Tidak ... tidaaak ... " Kania berlari ke arah jenazah anakku. Diguncang tubuh kaku itu sambil menjerit histeris. Seorang petugas menghampiri Kania dan memberikan secarik kertas yang tergenggam di tangannya waktu dia diturunkan dari tiang gantungan. Bunyinya "Terima kasih Mama." Aku baru sadar, kalau dari dulu Kamila sudah tahu wanita itu ibunya.

Setahun lalu,
Sejak saat itu istriku gila. Tapi apakah dia masih istriku. Yang aku tahu, aku belum pernah menceraikannya. Terakhir kudengar kabarnya dia mati bunuh diri. Dia ingin dikuburkan di samping kuburan anakku, Kamila. Kata pembantu yang mengantarkan jenazahnya padaku, dia sering berteriak, "Iya sayaaang, apalagi yang pecah, Nak." Kamu tahu Kania, kali ini yang pecah adalah hatiku. Mungkin orang tua kita memang benar, tak seharusnya kita menikah. Agar tak ada kesengsaraan untuk Kamila anak kita. Benarkah begitu Iya sayang?

(true story/CN02)

Both sides of the story

A neighbourhood peace is shattered it's the middle of the night
young faces hide in the shadows,
while they watch their mother and father fight
he says she's been unfaithful, she says her love for him has gone
and the brother shrugs to his sister and says "looks like it's just us from now on"
We always need to hear both sides of the story

- Both sides of the story - Phil Collins -

Once I listened to my friend (say his name is A) telling me about his conflict with another friend (say B). I listened to him, and I emphatised with him, like all good listeners do, and I thought 'oh A is correct, B is wrong'.

Then on another occasion, B told me his side of the story. Again I empathised with him and thought 'hmm, B is correct and A is wrong'

And then I thought 'hey, how come I change my opinion like that, is it just me and my consistent inconsistency :P ?'

When I get to hear both sides of the story, often I see that it is just a matter of miscommunication or misunderstanding. But I also observe that when we have misunderstanding, often our pride tell us not to listen to the other party's opinion and just keep on insisting that 'I'm right and (s)he's wrong'. Moreover, when prejudice and prior dislike are there between them, then there will be no way of admitting 'yes, you're right, sorry'.

Most of the times I only get to hear from one party, and I wonder, how would the other side tell me his version of the situation. Or maybe it's not that important at all. I'm not a judge who have to decide on their case. What's important for me to do is just to let him/her get it out of their chest and be a good listener and not taking any side. It's their problem anyway....

I remember when I was staying in a boarding house, A told B that she hated C because of this and that. Then B hated C too because B agreed with A that C is sooo awfully bad. Then when A and C came to a good term again, B and C would still disliked each other... funny isn't it. So that's why it's better not to take side.

* I was a bit depressed and wanting self-confidence as a child, my dream was to become a psycholog to be able to help myself, but then I decided to study engineering instead because it takes so long time to graduate from the faculty of psychology. I compensated it by reading popular psychology books. It helps me to develop myself, I think. So.... this wannabe-psycholog likes to try and analyse human's mind... *

Monday 2 Aug 2004

(I deleted my other blogs... I'll just write that kind of stuff offline :P)

So.. this Monday was the compensatory holiday for Asalaha Bucha Day. In Thailand we are fortunate to have this kind of system. When a holiday (Buddhist and royal family-related holiday) falls on Saturday or Sunday (which are already dayoffs) then it will be compensated on the following Monday and/or Tuesday etc. Hehehe... so it's good for lazy staff like me... I heard that Indonesia will apply the same system (or has it already been applied?) .

We started from our place at 8.00, six people as previously planned. We rode on Olivier's car, 4 people at the back... a bit squeezed but it's OK ;P. It took us only about 30 minutes to Nonthaburi (north of Bangkok), where we stopped at a temple and caught our boat there. It costs 500 B (= 12 USD) for 3 hours ride (I guess the boat can accommodate up to 10 people, later on we saw that another place offers 350 B or approx. 9 USD for the same ride). I'll attach the picture later.

We stopped at some places in the Koh Kret (= Kret island). It is actually a man-made island, made by digging the earth (I forgot for what purpose &*$%! - forgetful me -), so some people refuse to call it an island. Below is some more info on the island.

Koh Kret, a tiny island in the Chao Phraya River, located in Nonthaburi Province. On this island lives a community of craftsmen famous for their distinctive style of pottery, which dates back many centuries. The potteries are known for their fine, red-black glazed surface and folk design. They are all hand-made piece-by-piece and you can see the process. People live on Koh Kret and nearby are the descendants of the ethnic Mon people who managed to retain the skills of their forefathers. This small community is also famed for making traditional Thai sweets. (http://www.circleofasia.com/bookings/ToursDetail.asp?id=TNBR0333)

Our friends bought hammock (made of water hyacinth), some earthenware decorations, small lantern, snacks, orchids... I think the prices are inexpensive. We had lunch at the "Khun Ael" restaurant at one of the piers.

Then we returned to the Wat (temple) where we began. The original idea was actually we will take the boat along the Chao Phraya river down to Bangkok. But seems like we took the wrong boat. But it's OK.

Then we decided to go downtown to Bangkok by car. To the Democracy Monumen area, parked the car, bought coffee at the 'Whale' kiosk (nice coffee, but no place to sit comfortably), then walked to Sanam Luang, the peripheral of Grand Palace, took the boat to Wat Arun (gosh it was a long walk). Then we took the taxi boat to Saphan Taksin BTS station (hehehe now I'm so fond of hyperlinking words in my posting :D). The boat was overcrowded, thank God we arrived safe and sound :D. It's the first time I took the boat when traveling to Bangkok (yes I've been dinner-cruising 3 times before, but they were special occasions), nice experience.

Then we took the BTS and went to Lumpini Park. Watched people exercising (jogging & aerobic). Then we took the pedal-boat *not sure if this is the right way to call it, a small, 2-seaters boat where you have to pedal to make it 'walk', again, I'll attach the pic later*. I bought bread to feed the fish, but no fish was on sight. Unfortunately it rained a little bit so we had to stopped earlier (after 15 minutes, out of the allowed 30 minutes).

Then we took a taxi and had dinner at a nice open-roof restaurant near the place where we parked the car (romantic, with a nice view of Bangkok!). The food was a bit expensive, but delicious. But I don't think I'll go there on my own. The first 3 storeys of the restaurant are used for some kind of pub and a bit gloomy. I think it is safe, but still I don't like it much.

We arrived home at about 10.00 p.m.